Thin Kid Moves

We used to drink "Mary Specials" in college. To get one, head to a bar called “Risky Business" (Née "The Bacon") on Lebanon St in Hamilton, NY. Ask Mary the 50-something, Daytona Bike Week-frequenting bartender to put a few cubes of ice, seven ounces of Mohawk vodka and a splash of cranberry into a lager glass. That's a Mary Special. You owe Mary $3 for that, not including tip, and be sure to tell her how nice her exposed navel looks in her leather pants and vest. Understandably, there are some months of college that are simply a "Mary Special"-induced blur of colors and sounds.

After a night like that, with a fleece full of cigarette burns and no girl to keep me warm, all I could do was break into the frat kitchen, turn on the fryer and whip up a batch of chili-cheese fries. A big batch. Though my palate may have broadened since college, my culinary ethos has remained a constant, and jibes nicely with my general unwillingness to run. Unless, of course, someone has given chase. As it stands, from chili fries to Chinese delivery to five guys to fried mozzarella, I've been pulling fat kid moves for most of a decade. I'm lucky to not look like a beach ball.

This all changed, of course, on January 2nd, when I entered the chrysalis of healthy eating and working out, soon to emerge as a healthy and well-toned butterfly, just as if I'd stepped out of a "Fitness Personality" John Basedow infomercial. Here's the deal I cut with myself -- no drinking until I lose 8 pounds. That's it, really, but with an overtone of "not eating like a child" and a healthy dash of "you fat slob".

Now, it's January 8th. I haven't had a drink since January 1st, a minor victory, have managed to eat small portions of healthy food, a substantial victory and, in another substantial victory, have worked out every day except for Sunday. I've lost 2.5 pounds. My female roommates view this as encouraging. I think it means I won't be drinking for a while.

How will I fare this week? Not well, my friend, not well. This marks the first day of Restaurant Week, and I made all my reservations weeks before visions of Basedow came into focus.